Akatsuki FanFiction Writing Workshop
by butterflysInmybrain
Summary: What better way to learn to write fanfiction than from the evil organization we all know and love? Join them on their epic journey as they face their most difficult challenge yet- teaching a class of teenage fangirls how to write! (yaoi fascination involved)
1. Itachi's Introduction

The excited chatter of the class died away as Itachi walked into the room. He turned to fully face the room full of giggling girls with a great reluctance.

"Welcome to Akatsuki's first ever creative writing and fanfiction workshop," he began, silencing the laughter in the room with his world-famous, patented Uchiha Clan Death Glare (of Doom) ™.

"It is my hope that it will teach you how to compose decent stories that do not threaten the very fabric of my sanity. I swear, if I read another fanfic where I end up a pile of mushy, out of character Bishounen goo, I will kill you and your entire family."

He sighed, and turned to the whiteboard. Uncapping a marker, he began to write.

_Day One: Fanfiction 101 (A.K.A 'Yes, You too can Avoid Writing Crappy Fanfiction')_

_Basic grammar and spelling: Hidan_

_OC's and Alternate Universe- Deidara_

_Characterization/ OOC- Kisame_

_Mary Sue/ Marty Stu- Pain_

_Pairings- Sasori_

_Day Two: Advanced Fanfiction Writing (A.K.A 'Things that Aren't Really Advanced But We Called Advanced for Lack of a Better Term')_

_Spelling and Grammar Part Two- Kakuzu_ _Crack/ Humor: Hidan_

_Romance and Lemons: Konan_

_Purple Prose/Summaries- Madara_

_Yaoi and Pairings- yours truly._

_Reviews/Flames: Deidara_

_Putting it all Together: Akatsuki_

The class giggling started as soon as Itachi wrote the word 'Yaoi.' Itachi turned back to the class with a cool indifference.

"The information outlined here is what shall be covered in the first day. I sincerely hope that, once you have completed this two day seminar, you shall be a competent writer, capable of publishing decent stories," he said, making a weak attempt at a smile.

Amongst the whispers and squeals of, "he's so cute!" Itachi managed to continue.

"Many of the fanfiction that was submitted before this seminar was, quite frankly, abysmal. I've never wanted to gouge my own eyes out more badly than after I read a hundred badly written sex scenes."

A girl in the back raised her hand.

"Yes?" Itachi asked, exasperated.

"We're just teenagers," she defended, pouting. "I'm only thirteen- you can't expect me to be _that _good of a writer."

"Funny," Itachi replied. "Because when I was your age, I was inducted to the ANBU black ops, where I was made captain after less than a week. I killed my whole clan in a single night, and became a member of an infamous organization. What have you done? Written a, quite frankly, _horrible _piece of fanfiction. Congratulations."

His retort was met with blank stares.

"It seems as though you are also lacking in wit," he added. He closed his eyes and waved his hand, metaphorically brushing away the last half a minute.

"For those of you unable to read, the whiteboard outlines the schedule for the seminar. Each of you is free to ask whatever question you like during the segments. There will be a ten-minute break in between lessons and a half an hour break for lunch. Any questions?"

A couple of hands went up.

"Are you single?" One of them asked.

Itachi promptly blushed bright red.

"…I refuse to answer that question. Anyone else?"

"Whom was Madara talking about when he said you killed your lover?"

His blush shifted from red to maroon.

"…Um, I-"

"Was it Shisui?"

"…You have a few minutes to get ready before Hidan gets here for the first lesson," Itachi said, promptly running from the room.

He slammed the door, leaning forward and trying to regain his composure.

"…Damn fangirls," he muttered, running his fingers through his long, black hair.

"Hey, you in there Itachi?" Hidan asked. "I'm just itchin' to get in there with the little whores."

"Yes," Itachi said. "Just remember, you're not allowed to kill any of them."

"I know, I know. Things aren't quite the same around here, are they? Can't even kill a damn bitch."

"And please try to watch your mouth in there," Itachi added.

"No promises."

Hidan walked into the room with flair, met with a whirl of squeeing and sighing.

"…I have a feeling this will be the longest two days of my life," Itachi said under his breath, as the door banged shut.

He'd have to work on his Death Glare (of Doom)


	2. Hidan on Grammar and Spelling

Hidan glared at the room of whispering, giggling fangirls.

"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled. "I'm fucking trying to teach a fucking class here!"

The class fell dead silent. Hidan smirked.

"Alright, bitches. Today, I'm gonna teach you morons about the basics of proper grammar. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: if you mother fuckers can't string together a coherent sentence, you have no business writing."

A girl in the back of the class raised her hand.

"Yeah, what the hell is it?" Hidan snapped.

"Um, I was wondering…does Kakuzu ever, like, do anything to you with those tentacle things of his?"

Hidan's face bypassed all shades of pink and turned a bright maroon.

"…What."

"You know, does he ever, like, tie you up and screw you with his tentacle things?"

"Hell no!" Hidan yelled, the furious blush spreading down his face and onto his neck. "Why the hell would Kakuzu ever fuck me?"

"Because he loves you."

Hidan felt like he was about to vomit.

"I'm gonna ignore that comment and move on to the lesson."

Hidan took a whiteboard marker and began to write.

_"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)."_

"You all should know where this piece of shit comes from," Hidan told the class. "This little pile of absolute shit comes from a little fanfic called My Immortal. It is the most infamous example of shitty fanfiction, but it is also one of the most useful. It might as well be a guide for how not to write a fanfic."

He pinched the bridge of his nose to regain his composure before speaking again.

"For one, this is a fucking run-on sentence, you got me? As in, the sentence runs on way too fucking long. Any questions?"

No hands went up.

"Good. Now listen; you don't use more than one 'and' in a fucking sentence, unless it somehow adds to the impact of said fucking sentence. Got me? Good. Now, I'm gonna show you how to correct this monstrosity."

He took the marker and began to make corrections.

_"Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back. My icy blue eyes are like limpid tears, and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee._

"See how much better it looks?" Hidan said, in a baby-talk voice. "I put cute widdle periods wite where they need to go, and the widdle commas, too. See how nice and pwetty it looks?"

He looked out at the class, eyes narrowed.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's still a piece of shit. But it's a readable piece of shit."

He tapped his finger against the desk in a rhythmic sort of way.

"Notice how I removed the author's note," Hidan pointed out. "Not only is posting author's notes in the story itself against the guidelines for that fanfiction website you probably all post on, but it is really damn annoying."

"But what if someone has something really important to say in the middle of the story?" A blonde girl asked.

"Then you stop being a pussy and stick it at either the beginning or the end of the chapter. There is nothing that you can say that is so goddamned important that it can't wait until you've finished the story. Trust me, nobody wants to read your random little blurbs when they're trying to read a story."

Hidan turned back to face the whiteboard, tapping the end of the marker against his lips.

"Now, I'm gonna let you girls in on a little secret," he said, grinning. "You can actually get rid of this whole sentence altogether."

Whispers swept through the crowd. Hidan took a marker and erased the whole thing.

"Nobody wants to waste time reading about what your shitty character looks like. There; that is the secret."

"But where else will we be able to tell people what they look like?"

"Blondie again, huh? I guess blondes really are stupid. There is a rule called 'Show, Don't Tell.' If you can't find some other creative way to tell people how your character looks, then you shouldn't be writing shit in the first place."

The girl looked down, tears sparkling in her eyes.

"Alrighty then, I'm just gonna move along."

He began to write some more.

"OMG!1!11!" Character X screamed. "That is so fucking awesome!11!11!1!1!"

"For the love of Jashin, do not do this!" Hidan moaned. "In no circumstances do you need to have more than one exclamation point. One. Got it, fuckers?"

"But-"

"Okay, bitch, if you open your mouth to speak one more time, I swear I will fucking kill you!"

The blonde girl fell silent, biting back a sob.

"Then, there's this:"

He wrote on the board again.

_Character X...Action Y_

"No. Just no. Only one set of three periods for the fucking ellipses. No more, and no less. So it should read a little something like this:"

He took out the eraser and rewrote the sentence.

_Character X…Action Y._

"Got it?"

Half the class had been reduced to sobbing. The other half seemed torn between confusion and anger.

"Good. Now, we're gonna move on to proper spelling."

Once again, he picked up the marker and began to write.

_"Lyke, OMG, ur gonna get klled doin tat!1!1!1!111!1!" Rsndim Mry Su screamd._

"I assume most of you use Microsoft Word. It's called spell check. It shows up when you press the F7 key. Fucking use it. And for the love of Jashin, do not use text lingo in a story or I will find you cunts and kill you in your sleep."

He wrote another sentence underneath the first.

_"You're gonna get killed doing that!" Random Mary Sue screamed._

"That's better."

Hidan mulled some things over in his mind.

"I think that just about covers everything for this lesson…no, wait, there's one more thing! Hold on a second…"

_(FLASHBACK)_

_Random actions and descriptions. Lots of fucking words._

_(END OF FLASHBACK)_

"If you feel the need to signify flashbacks, then you're a retard. Any questions?"

Nobody dared to move.

"Oh yeah! And remember to capitalize the first word in a sentence. I'm out, bitches. I'll see ya later!"


	3. Deidara on OCs and AUs

Deidara braced himself against the oncoming headache as he entered the room. The girls giggled and made comments of 'he's so hot!" and 'so cute!'

Finally, Deidara slammed his hand down on the desk.

"Shut up! Shut _up _already, hn!" he shouted. "Alright, next person to talk without raising their freaking hand is getting blown to kingdom come, got me?"

Silence. Deidara smirked.

"Okay, girlies, this is the segment I like to call 'I'm sick and freakin' tired of all your Mary Sues.' We'll be going over Alternate Universes as well as the plague that is the Original Character."

He uncapped a marker. His hand then proceeded to try to eat it, resulting in a rather amusing struggle.

"G-gimme that, dammit! You're not supposed to eat that, hn!"

Deidara yanked the marker out of his hand's mouth. He stormed angrily out of the room, returning a minute later wearing a pair of latex gloves.

"…Now that that's over with…"

Deidara picked up the marker and began to write.

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES:

_High School AU'What-if' Fic_

o _Non-Massacre AU_

_Vamp FicDifferent PairingCrossover FicDifferent Plotline Altogether_

"These are the most common types of AU fics, hn. I'll be going over each one. First off, the High School AU."

Deidara pinched the bridge of his nose with a latex covered hand.

"God, I can't stress this enough: do _not _do it. It's a cheap cop-out at best. The characters are almost _always_out of character, and any major plot points are completely thrown out the window, hn."

A girl raised her hand.

"What?"

"But…why shouldn't we use high school? We know more about it than anything else."

"Because of the reasons I just barely listed. Everyone is out of character, all the plot devices and character development-y type moments never happened, and it just plain sucks, hn."

He tapped the corner of his mouth in thought.

"Now, I've read a couple really good High School AU fanfictions, but those are merely the exception that proves the rule. Unless you are completely confident in your writing abilities and can find some way to make sure all the character development-y moments happened, you have no business writing a High School fic, hn."

Deidara smiled a bit.

"Now, this next type is my favorite. The 'What If' AU. This is the type of fanfiction where a character or situation is made to be different, based on the author's idea, hn. For example:"

He wrote:

_What if someone besides Naruto was the Nine-tails Jinchuriki?What if Sasuke didn't leave to go with Orochimaru? What if Itachi took Sasuke with him when he left the village?What if Deidara killed that dirty son of a bitch Sasuke with his ultimate artwork?_

Another girl raised her hand.

"Um, doesn't that last one sound a bit vindictive toward Sasuke?" She asked.

"Damn straight it's vindictive. If it weren't for that bastard I wouldn't have _died, _hn!"

Deidara waved a hand and moved on.

"At their best, What If fanfiction provides an interesting twist on different plot points. For example, you can have a fight turn out differently, or a character take another course of action- for example, Jiraiya winning the fight against Pain, or me surviving my ultimate artwork, hn. at worst, you have badly written shit."

"In the same vein as 'What If' fics are the Non-Massacre AU's- otherwise known as the fics where Itachi grows a pair and doesn't off his clan. However- most of these fanfictions completely ignore the fact that the Uchiha were plotting the overthrow of the village, and just leave the clan alive with no explanation whatsoever, hn. That, my friends, is called bad writing."

He sighed.

"To write a What If fic, you need a decent idea- a plot point you would like to change, or a character you want to do something different with. It can_not _just be an excuse to Mary Sue-ify a character that you happen to like, or to bring back a character for shipping reasons- though that can certainly be part of it, hn. In short, it has to be plausible, and there has to be a good plot resulting from it, hn. If you bore yourself with your own fanfiction, you have written shit."

Deidara grabbed the eraser and cleared off the board.

"Next is potentially the _worst _thing to happen to fanfiction since Mary Sue."

He wrote the words _**VAMP FIC**_in big, bold, angry capital letters. His eyes narrowed in anger and indignation. The girls shrunk back in their seats, half expecting him to blow something up.

"Vamp fic. In which one or more of the characters is a vampire, usually with the destined love interest as a vampire hunter, hn. This is the most cliched, overused, boring tactic of fanfiction writing- even _worse _than the High School fics. Do _not _do it, hn. If you want to write a fanfic with fucking vampires, go write some_Hellsing _or _Vampire Knight _fanfic and keep it the_ hell _out of _Naruto_."

Deidara paused to catch his breath.

"Anyway, moving on. The Different Pairing AU is relatively simple. Character A falls in love with Character B as opposed to Character C. Simple enough. Basically, it's a What If fic with shipping. It can work out quite well, provided you don't bash the spurned love interest, hn. But that'll be covered a bit later."

Deidara waved his hand with a flourish, wiping the board clean. He sat down in the wheeled chair by the desk, spinning around a few times before continuing.

"Crossovers, hn. You take one fandom, you cross it over with another. Genius, huh?"

Nods of agreement from the crowd of girls.

"Now, you can technically cross anything over with anything else, hn. But, it's best if you pick two relatively compatible fandoms, like, say, _Bleach _and _Dragonball, _or _Full Metal Alchemist _and _D. Gray Man."_

A raised hand.

"Yeah? Cure little redhead in the back."

"What about _Harry Potter?"_

"Ah, good old _Harry Potter. _The fandom every other fandom gets crossed over with eventually. Well, _Full Metal Alchemist _or _D. Gray Man _would probably be the best matches, but any fantasy anime should work."

"Like _Hellsing?"_

"...I suppose. Moving on..."

Deidara mused in silence for a moment.

"Making up a completely different plotline. As in, taking the characters and throwing the rest of the story away, hn. I've seen it done quite well on a few occasions. I'd say the best thing to do is to keep the characters as in character as possible. Do that, and the plot can pretty much be anything you want it to be. Kisame will discuss characterization next lesson."

"Now on to a personal pet peeve of mine. The 'Sakura Goes to Akatsuki and Gets Laid' plotline. All I can say is that I'm sick and tired of it. Just stop it, people."

"Now then, OCs..."

He stood up and took the marker again.

_ORIGINAL CHARACTERS_

Underneath that, he wrote:

_Should __NOT __bend the rules of Canon to their shallow, one-dimensional wills._

_Should have __**flaws**__and fit into the canon universe._

"Most OC's I've read about were shallow, one dimensional characters that make Bella Swan look complex. A real character has _flaws."_

"But my character has-"

"I _swear _I will blow up the next person that talks!" Deidara warned. "Let me finish, hn!"

Silence. A very welcome silence.

"A character needs real flaws. Not 'she's too perfect' or anything like that. And her flaws _have _to get in the way of her main goal in some way- so stubbornness doesn't count if all it ever does is help her out, hn. She_can _be smoking hot and all that, but she has to have flaws. And she can't bend the rules of canon to her will. Pain will talk more about this later, but if all the characters are falling in love with Miss OC, then you have a Mary Sue on your hands. Any questions?"

"Are you dating Sasori?"

Deidara promptly turned bright red.

"N-no more questions."

He stormed out of the room red-faced.

"What's with the face, Deidara?" Sasori asked. Deidaras face turned darker red, and he stomped away, muttering to himself.

"...What's his problem?" Sasori asked, more to the thin air than to anyone around.


	4. Kisame on Characterization and OOC

Kisame always appreciated that his appearance (namely, being a six foot tall, rather ominous blue shark man) could make an entire room fall silent. Such was the case with the girls in the room. They fell to stone-faced silence and kept their eyes riveted on him.

"I'll just get straight to the point, shall I?" He began. "Ninety percent of the fanfic you'll read will suck ass. Nine percent will be good. And then, about one percent of that's the good stuff. And I'm here to tell you the thing that can make or break a fanfic almost as much as the story itself- characterization."

Kisame grinned his smile full of teeth.

"Having a well rounded character is as important in fanfiction as in original writing. If you don't have good, three-dimensional characters, then your story will fall flat, regardless of how good the rest of the story is."

He took a seat in an empty chair in the front of the classroom.

"Good characters have weaknesses; however, they will also have strengths- something that they're good at, some noble trait or traits that make them likeable. For example, my partner, Itachi-san. He's kinda cold, a bit mean, and murdered his clan. He's kind of a pushover and emotionally constipated like you wouldn't believe. Those are his weaknesses. Now, you're all more than familiar with our show, so who can tell me what some of his strengths are? Besides being attractive, I mean."

Kisame blushed a bright purple.

Raised hands.

"Yeah, you in the pink."

"He loves his little brother?"

"Bingo! There's the big one! Any others?"

"He's loyal to stuff he cares about?"

"That too, but there's one in particular I'm looking for. One that might not be so obvious."

One girl in the back of the class spoke up.

"Um…determination? I mean, he was sick and all, and he could have died, but he kept on going anyway."

"We have a winner, ladies!"

Kisame grinned even wider.

"That's exactly it. Determination- a popular trait for both canon characters and OC's alike. Never giving up, no matter what. Lots of characters in _Naruto _have that trait, but that's beside the point."

"Excuse me, where are you going with all this?"

"I'm saying that it's not the aloofness or the loyalty or the determination on their own that make Itachi-san's character. It's when all those things come together that he becomes the guy we recognize on screen or on the page. It's the combination of strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, that make Uchiha Itachi or any other character for that matter."

"When a character has only strengths- or only weaknesses- they're fucking boring. No matter how good the rest of your writing is, if your characters are boring, so is your story."

Kisame stood up and began to pace the room, dragging Samehada behind him.

"In fanfiction, your job is a bit easier than in an original story, because the characters are already created and ready to go- the tricky part is keeping the characters…well, in character."

He turned and paced to the other side of the room.

"When a character is defined one way, for instance being cruel, is derailed into being a mushy pile of Bishounen love goo, you have a problem."

"Take Madara for instance. Too often, he has his character derailed into a cutesy little loverboy rather than the vicious son of a bitch that started a war. And Sasuke is turned into a bigger pussy than he already is. And I'm sick of it."

"So, what can we do to make sure the characters are in character? It's really hard."

"That's easy."

Kisame finally stood up and began to write on the whiteboard.

_Keeping Characters in Character- Three Simple Steps._

_1) Watch the freaking show._

_2) When writing your fanfiction. Ask yourself- "would the character in question act the way I am about to make them act?"_

_3) If your character must act out of character, have a good reason for them acting the way they do._

"If you consistently follow these three steps, you are nearly guaranteed to get the characters right. Unless of course, you're not paying attention to the character. There is also something called Alternate Character Interpretation, where a viewer may see a character in a different light than someone else. This is only a bad thing when it's used as an excuse to derail a character."

The class was actually paying attention. That was good- progress.

"And like I said, Out of Character can be done well, but it has to be handled carefully. For instance, a normally stoic character has a breakdown, or a good character does something less than good. With a good explanation, it can make for some interesting plotlines.

Ah, but no time for that- you're on your lunch break now. Be back for the next lesson."

Girls talked behind his back as they filtered out.

"He's just not cute at all."

"He's gross!"

About ten minutes later, Itachi entered the room.

"Kisame, how did it-"

Kisame was huddled in a bundle of misery in the corner.

"So I'm ugly, huh?"

Itachi slapped his forehead. That was all that he could do.


End file.
